Umm
by tulzdavampslayer
Summary: Two Australian girls are accepted a year too old to Hogwarts. This is a little bit of their final year. lol nah it's just me and my friend Em being very very much bored.


The parody to end all parodies

**Disclaimer**: ssh. We were bored. Em is your name JK Rowling? _Suuuuuuuuure__ of course I changed it to Emily for anonymity. cool.  _Yep._ Do you mean that? _No. _oh. damn. It's not ours then._

**Summary**: we need a summary?

^_~

[One night, 7th year Harry walks down the corridor of Hogwarts and runs into two seventeen year old girls who are both reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally beautiful.]

Em: hey harry!

Harry: …huh?

Tulz: how YOU doin'? [winks provocatively]

Em: Tallulah stop hitting on harry.

Tulz: I was just teasing… Hey harry where's the Slytherin Common Room?

Harry: …What?

Em: forget it we'll go ask Draco.

[girls run away]

Harry: …what was that about… those girls are insane…

^_~

[Ron and Hermione are fighting in Gryffindor common room]

Ron: I don't care what you say!

Hermione: Well I don't care what YOU say!

Ron: …wanna go make out?

Hermione: [thinks] …yeah okay.

[go off to make out, right before Harry comes through portrait hole]

Ginny: hi harry.

Harry: GINNY! …hi. About last night… you know, I didn't mean to…

Ginny: it's ok. We can try again another time.

Harry: I'm sorry. I just couldn't get Voldemort out of my head.

Ginny: [blinks] …whaaaaaaaaaat?

Harry: I mean, uh, not like THAT. I mean… um… [thinks]_yeah, like that mm hmm voldie baby…_[stops thinking thank god]

Ginny: you're sick I'm gonna go find myself a real man. [runs off]

Harry: [breaks down in tears]

^_~

[Outside Slytherin Common Room]

Tulz: w00t! we found it!

Em: ummm you should know where it is, it's YOUR house after all.

Tulz: ssh. Can you get to Gryffindor? No. you can't. [points and laughs]

Em: beside the point. I know my password. It's "We love Potter!"

[Slytherin door opens]

Both Girls: oh shit…

Tulz: so thaaaaaaaaat's our password. Millicent is sooooooo going down she told me it was "draco swallows" [giggles] speaking of draco… [wanders off to find him] bye em!

Em: fine. Leave me alone. [voice echoes down the hall]

^_~

[Slytherin 7th year boys' dormitory]

Draco: aaaah life.

Crabbe: got any food?

Draco: die.

Goyle: that's … not… very… what was I saying?

Draco: you were saying how much you hate life and you're going to end it.

Goyle: cool. Coming Crabbe?

Crabbe: where're we going?

Goyle: to die.

Crabbe: k.

[crabbe and goyle go off somewhere to commit the happy dispatch]

[voice comes from curtains] Finally we are alone…

Draco: [blinks, looks around, hides under bed]

Pansy: oy! This is my hiding place go away!

Draco: Avada Kedavra!

Pansy: [dies]

Draco: I never liked her much.

Voice: I noticed. So how are you, sexxxxy?

Draco: freaked out.

Voice: woohoo! I freaked someone out! Yeah! I.. aaaaaaah! [curtain falls over as Tulz trips and pulls it down with her]

Tulz: shite.

Draco: oh it's you.

Tulz: who were you expecting? The easter bunny?

Draco: well actually it IS that time of year… got any eggs?

Tulz: [blinks innocently] I… have… no… idea… what … you… are …referring … to… 

…

[pause]

…

Tulz: not. [jumps him]

[three hours later]

Tulz: phew!

Draco: I'll say…

Tulz: wanna go again?

Draco: yeah ok.

^_~

[meanwhile, it's been another six hours and Em is hanging around in halls playing with magic]

Em: bored now… Accio Harry!

[Harry is pulled down several halls, through a few doors and into several solid objects along the way before arriving to stand in front of Em. He then collapses.]

Em: Harry you don't look too good. I'm worried about you lately, I think you have a problem. You know they have groups that can help with those things. Your not alone oooOOOOooooooh I see you brought your invisibility cloak! Can I have… I mean borrow it? [grabs it off the unconscious boy] thanks hun, I'll get it back to you later…

[Slips it on and runs off]

^_~

[Em walks down corridors invisibly and runs into Tulz coming out of Slytherin]

Em: where've you been?

Tulz: …did you steal Harry's cloak again?

Em: don't change the subject!

Tulz: But it's more fun talking about your kleptomaniac issues then talking about my rather active sex life. …I mean… shit.

Em: [slips cloak over both of them] do tell…

Tulz: dammit…

^_~

Tulz: so yeah…

Em: [looks shocked] HOW MANY TIMES?

Tulz: shut up.

[both girls shut up, but only because Snape has come down the hall. That's funny, snape seems to have glasses now… and put on a bit of weight… and shrunk… hmm…]

Snape: [runs into classroom door] ow!

[giggles from girls]

Snape: who's there? Are there any students around?

Tulz: no.

Snape: oh ok then.

[opens door and walks through it. Girls give each other wicked looks and follow him in]

Snape: [sits at desk for a while, and looks at many pictures of wife and kids]

Tulz: [whispers]well this is boring…

[right on queue, Ginny walks into classroom nervously]

Ginny: uh… you wanted to see me professor?

Snape: yes. I heard you had a bit of a tiff with one of the boys from your house.

Ginny: uh yeah Harry. Since when did you care? If there's a problem, shouldn't professor McGonnagall be dealing with this?

Snape: I don't want to bother her with this petty problem. I just wanted to talk with you.

[ten minutes later]

Snape: and that is why everybody should be all happy happy lovey dovey and friends with everyone…

Ginny: [wakes up to find Snape's hand on her leg] oh sorry… um… AAAAAH! Look, I've got to... GOD… [runs out]

[snape looks dejected and leaves]

Tulz: [throws off cloak]

Em: creep.

Tulz: are you thinking what I'm thinking, Gryff?

Em: I think I am B2.

[girls trash room and leave again]

^_~

[meanwhile that evening back at the gryff common room, Ginny is complaining to Neville how all guys suck.]

Ginny: …I mean only creeps like me, and all the good ones are gay…

Neville: yeah… which works for me, but hey…

Ginny: damn you.

Neville: my grandmother already has.

Ginny: Maybe I should give up on guys altogether…

[Hermione walks past]

Ginny: hmmm… [follows her. She is also followed by two invisible girls hehehehhe]

^_~

[in Gryffindor 7th year girls' dormitory]

[outside, two yells are heard falling from a window somewhere, followed by two thumps, followed by two 'ow's, followed by the crying of two boys faced with yet another failure. Suicide is their only option. …but wait…]

Ginny: [opens door seductively] hel-lo there miss Granger…

Hermione: oh hey Gin. How are you? [oblivious, is reading a book]

Ginny: What… are you reading there… [slinks onto bed next to her, and looks over her shoulder closely]

Hermione: [blushes and slams the book]

Ginny: Kama Sutra, eh?

[Em's eyes widen. Tulz grins and contemplates 'borrowing'  the book]

Hermione: it was just… um… I was inquisitive that's all.

Ginny: well I know of a lot of interesting things that you might be inquisitive about that I'm almost sure aren't in that book there… [runs fingers up Hermione's spine. Em and Tulz make themselves comfortable.]

[one hour later]

Hermione: [drags on a cigarette] that was fucking awesome.

Ginny: I'd swap two of those words around personally.

Hermione: [laughs]

[Tulz and Em leave. Both with rather … ahem… new perspectives on life]

Tulz: that was… just… weird… but strangely cool…

Em: okay, wanna go spy on somebody else?

Tulz: [grins]

^_~

[Slytherin 7th year boy's dormitory. Again.]

Draco: [is painting his toenails pink] So I take it your most recent suicide attempt didn't work?

Crabbe: [is reading ingredients on a Low Fat Peanut butter jar] Nope. Hey there's almost the same amount of fat in this as in normal peanut butter! That sucks.

Goyle: [looks up from Cosmo and adjusts towel on his head.] You know that fall really did something for my complexion… the mud worked total wonders…

[Tulz and Em enter at that statement. Yes they're still invisible.]

Crabbe: yeah I noticed a difference. Your skin seems to… glow a little today.

Harry: [is lying on his pink frilly sleeping bag clutching his teddy. He has a very large bruise on his forehead] Girls suck.

Tulz: [whispers] how does he know… I mean… shit…

Em: [gives Tulz funny looks]

Draco: I know, they only seem to be after one thing.

Ron: [walks out of bathroom with a mud mask on his face and only wearing a towel. Em smiles. Tulz gives HER funny looks.] I just wanna find someone who's willing to commit.

Draco: who understands me! [tulz glares at him]

Ron: [hugs him] If only they could just accept us!

Harry: Don't worry, we'll all find someone some day…

Draco: but… she doesn't love me! [starts crying and flees the slumber party. Tulz starts looking really guilty.] she's just using me!

Tulz: [whispers] Can we go now?

Em: it's fun and all, but we've still got the rest of the school to make fun of…

Tulz: maybe we should go back and get some sleep or something… [looks after Draco's exit]

Em: yeah okay. [heads off to Gryffindor, and Tulz …kind of… just… wanders off… in the general direction… of… well Draco.]

^_~

[The next day, Colin Creevey is walking down the hall when he suddenly bursts into song]

Colin: And I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more, just to be the annoying little kid who walked a thousand miles to take a photo of harry potter…

Tulz: …why is he singing?

Em: this is a musical now.

Tulz: Oh. …what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day… I mean, oh shit! We can't sing!

Em: yes we can.

Tulz: no I mean we caaaaaaaaan't. it's wrong1

Em: It's okay, I can promise you it's all right, you're not keeping me up all night no more, you're not here but it's ok…

Tulz: uh, Emily?

Em: yes?

Tulz: shut up! Don't wanna hear your voice, shut up!

Colin: hello Tallulah and Emily!

Em: good morning, good moooooorning, it's great to stay up late, good morning, good morning to you!

.Tulz: [thinks] oh my god I haven't slept in two days!

Em: really?

Tulz: yeah!

Em: _I slept. What were _YOU_ doing?_

Tulz: do you have to ask?

Em: Draco?

Tulz: well … yeah actually now that you mention it…

Em: I am very disappointed in you.

Tulz: really?  
Em: no.

^_~

[The kiiiiiiiiiiiitchen! W00t]

Dobby: cheer up Winky.

Winky: Hic!

Dobby: it's been three years, Winky.

Winky: Hic!

[well that was an interesting scene. Bye!]

^_~

[hagrid's hut, that afternoon]

[Em and Tulz have flown there on their brand new Firebolt 2030's. they aren't wearing the cloak anymore of course, but it's in em's pocket. Yes it fits. Ssshh.]

Hagrid: hello girls, been shopping?

Tulz: yes… shopping… that's a word for it…

Hagrid: you didn't… STEAL those brooms did you Tallulah?

Tulz: naaaaah just teasin' ya.

[Professor McGonagall steps out of hut wearing an apron and is followed by a two year old boy who is almost the girls' size. He toddles over to them]

Tulz: HI MRS HAGRID.

Em: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Hide me!

[Girls fly away again. Quickly.]

^_~

[suddenly Oliver Wood and his hot accent are flying beside them.]

Em: Hi Oliver! Didn't you graduate?

Oliver: [throws a rose to Emily] I came back, just for you! I flunked all my subjects for the past four years so I could be closer to you!

[Emily is touched. No not in that way you sicko.]

Tulz: well, I'll just be over …there… oh look Draco's organizing a Quidditch practice… maybe I should go… I mean I _am their Keeper after all… [flies off]_

Oliver: I want to sweep you off your feet and buy you a romantic dinner somewhere.

Em: I'd rather you didn't while we were on brooms. [She lands] Okay you can now.

[Oliver picks her up and starts singing her favourite song completely out of tune. Emily is touched again.]

^_~

[one slytherin quidditch practice and ten innuendos later…]

Tulz: So Draco… I was wondering whether you wanted to … I dunno… be in a committed relationship or something. [shrugs]

Draco: [hides absolute shock and delight] really?

Tulz: yeah. I mean, you did kill your dad for me.

Draco: True. Forgot about that. [acts all manly, flexes muscles.]

Tulz: [hides drool] so yeah, we goin' steady now?

Draco: yeah okay.

[ackward moment]

Tulz: is that really any different from what we've been doing already?

Draco: we're more… open about it.

Tulz: okay.

Draco: and we're kind of obligated to each other.

Tulz: … [squirms] oh…

[another ackward moment]

Tulz: wanna go make out?

Draco: … yeah ok.

^_~

TBC


End file.
